Ending relationships are never easy. Ending a toxic relationship is so complicated and very hard. Here are a couple of articles to determine if your relationship is toxic: Are You in a Toxic Relationship and How to Tell if You are Codependent.
After reading these articles, you see that these types of toxic relationships are extremely layered. They are based on manipulation and the attachment you may feel towards this relationship could feel impossible to break. Here are the steps, but be aware…reading the steps is one thing, putting them into action quite different. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.
After spending time with this person are you energized or drained? Do you want to spend time with them or do you feel like you have to? Do you feel sorry for them? Do you come away consistently disappointed by their comments and behavior? Are you giving way more to the relationship than they are? Do you even like them? (really think about it…do you?)
WHAT ARE THE PERKS?
Even toxic relationships have perks. Now, mind you, they are not healthy for you. But they are perceived as “perks”. Determine what specific things are you getting from this relationship. After identifying the perks, look at them backwards. For example, one of the perks could be, “We have the best time together.” Backwards perk, “He always breaks plans.”
IN WITH THE GOOD, OUT WITH THE BAD
Great. You have figured out the backwards perks. Time to get some good in. When we remove something from our lives, we can’t just leave a hole there, we need to put something else in there. If not, the bad will just come right back in. Let’s get some good self-care in there, mix it in with confidence and a dash of awareness.
CIRCLE OF TRUST
Count on your healthy relationships. Surround yourself with people you can count on. A strong support system can be the cherry on top. Make sure these relationships are established. If you do have friends and/or family that are in toxic relationships, they are not the ones in your circle. It is way too easy to get pulled back into the behavior.
There is a lot of residual feelings that develop during toxic relationships. A huge step is to let the healing begin. Forgiving yourself for getting involved with a toxic person is a biggie. It is very important to note that even the strongest of people can find themselves victim to a toxic person. It does not matter how smart, successful, confident, mindful and awesome you are. Anyone can find themselves in these types of relationships. In knowing that, forgive, forgive, forgive. However, do not forget. While we are healing it is crucial that we recognize what qualities this person had to pull you in? What were the feelings that brought on the attachment?
I AM ME
Create a ritual for everyday use. These are affirmations. Affirm that you are amazing and smart and nice and deserve all that you want. Make up your own, use these, pick a time of day or multiple times a day to remind you that You are You and no one can take that away from you.
Kelly McDaniel, author of Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction, advises persons who have just broken off a toxic relationship to lay low, and avoid filling their day with too many activities. She writes: The energy it takes to endure withdrawal (to an addictive or toxic relationship) is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition, to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.
Once, you have successfully broken off the toxic relationship, wait before looking for love again. Take time to re-group, identify who you are, what you want and get your boundaries straight. Stay aware. It is much easier to fall back into a toxic relationship after you have been in one. Check out the article: 5 Steps to Take Before Looking for Love.